In relationships it is common for jealousy to appear at some point, but there are situations where such jealousy exceeds the limits of what can be considered normal, becoming unhealthy jealousy.
Next, the most common characteristics of unhealthy jealousy will be described, to know how to differentiate them from normal jealousy, so that objectives can be established to identify them and finally overcome them.
What is unhealthy jealousy?
Jealousy is a feeling that occurs in most relationships. However, they vary in intensity and frequency. We may experience some degree of jealousy when we see your partner being courted by someone else, but that’s normal.
On the other hand, there are those who experience jealousy without sustainable testing. They may accuse and discriminate against their partner for alleged acts of infidelity, despite the lack of evidence or evidence that is totally unsubstantiated.
These serious psychopathological states are known as sickly, morbid jealousy orOthello syndrome. In clinical practice, it is defined as a series of irrational thoughts and actions caused by the irrefutable belief that their partner is cheating on them.
It is important to note that, even if your partner is being unfaithful, the person may experience unhealthy jealousy if the evidence cited to support the accusations of infidelity are erroneous or irrational and that the reaction to them is excessive.
How to identify unhealthy jealousy in a person?
Due to the nature of this psychiatric disorder, the clinical picture of these people is not homogeneous. That is, it can manifest itself in various ways.
Some are obsessive, others suffer from delusions, or a combination of both.
However, there are certain traits present in the sickly jealous, which makes it easy to identify these people. Next, we will show you some of these.
They want the couple only for themselves
Psychopathological jealousy can manifest as obsessions, where the person feels the compulsive desire to “possess” their partner in every way possible. This is a type of pathological jealousy.
Therefore, the freedom of options that the other possesses is limited, since any independent action or decision is viewed negatively by the jealous person. Certain social or marital factors can influence the development of this jealousy.
In this sense, in conservative cultures where the partner is treated as a possession, any act of autonomy can be interpreted as an act of infidelity that “deserves to be punished.”
They need to know everything their partner does
Obsessive behaviors in people who suffer from morbid jealousy are generally caused by intrusive thoughts that, despite going against the partner’s conscious wishes, cannot be controlled.
Anytime they are not actively recording their partner’s footsteps feeds these thoughts, leading to frustration, anger, and even delusions, depending on the severity of the psychopathy.
They usually always think the worst.
In these cases, jealousy can even distort the reality of the person, making them think that their partner said or did things that, in reality, they did not.
Any action, real or imagined, can be used as evidence to corroborate your accusations. Your partner is guilty until evidence to the contrary is found, however, irrational concerns cannot be disproved with evidence and logical reasoning.
Check phones and social media
It is part of the actions that a couple whose obsessive jealousy can commit. Their paranoia forces them to do everything possible to corroborate, or not, their irrational suspicions.
However, even if they find no evidence of infidelity, intrusive thoughts perpetuate suspicions. Messages that anyone else would categorize as innocent can be seen as evidence that further fuels her paranoia.
Check the couple’s clothes
These people may even go so far as to conduct exhaustive searches of their partner’s clothing, looking for any piece of evidence.
They look for hair, unidentifiable scents, lipstick marks, tears, and much more. Everything can constitute evidence for the person that their partner is participating in infidelity.
They mistrust friends, co-workers and family members
The distrust is not only directed towards their partners, but it is generalized. Aggressions, physical or verbal, interpersonal can spread to any “rival” that represents a “danger” for your relationship.
A study published in 1966 found that 7 out of 110 cases of homicide or serious assault were directed against third parties, who were the targets of unreasonable accusations by people with morbid jealousy.
They are emotionally dependent
Affective disorders are frequent in patients with these psychopathologies, not only do they demonstrate an emotional dependence linked to their partner, but more than 50% may present depression.
The Dependency theory was proposed by Dutton in 1994, where he explained that there was a borderline personality disorder (Borderline personality disorder) , where the individual who suffers from this jealousy has a negative self-concept of himself.
In addition, accompanied by other psychiatric symptoms, such as: identity diffusion, feelings of inadequacy, affective instability characterized by jealousy and anger within a relationship, anxiety and much more.
They do not like their partner to do pleasurable activities
Abnormal jealousy causes the person to start restricting their partner’s day-to-day, especially any activity they can do on their own.
Going to a party, going out with friends to a cafeteria, taking time alone to reflect or any other activity, all foster the paranoia and insecurity of the jealous person, who suspects or claims that they are being deceived.
They discriminate the interests and tastes of their partner
In any relationship based on respect, empathy and understanding of the other, there is discrimination against the tastes of your partner.
However, in these cases where emotional instability predominates, this is not observed. The person’s distorted reality prevents him from genuinely seeing his partner in a positive light.
By extension, everything associated with your partner (relationships, interests, ambitions…) is also despised by these intrusive thoughts.
They want to control everything about their partner
As a result of these delusions, the person’s psychopathology forces him to control every possible aspect of his partner.
The intention behind this is to minimize the chances of the partner cheating on them. If the person breaks these restrictions or resists these manipulations, her partner may erupt in anger and frustration, even leading to physical violence.
They are arrogant and rude to their partner
Since there is widespread mistrust of their partner (and everyone they interact with), they may become passive-aggressive and overreact to any event that triggers their delusions of jealousy.
They may respond aggressively to completely innocuous comments or feel that any action, no matter how small, is indicative of infidelity. Therefore, the person is justified in acting rudely towards her unfaithful partners.
They tend to victimize themselves because of their attitudes
Victimization is usually a common phenomenon in totally authoritarian couples. They believe that their abuse and distrust is justified by the actions of the other person.
It is even more common in relationships where there is a complete imbalance of power, where one person sees the other as a possession, subject to the whims of their partner.
Therefore, when your partner engages in any independent activity, it is more than enough to justify your own actions.
Depending on the state of severity, the person can distort and reinterpret memories, justifying their anger against their partner for current actions.
They humiliate and devalue their partner
Humiliation comes hand in hand with all of the above points, whether through humiliating comments or emotional manipulation, they seek to lower the status of the other person in the relationship.
In such a way that the person gains control again. They can even resort to subtle and almost imperceptible manipulations that allow them to control the situation.
Consequences of unhealthy jealousy
People who suffer from unhealthy jealousy are convinced that their partner is unfaithful, which is, in most cases, a product of their imagination.
This causes these people to constantly suffer episodes of depression and loss of self-esteem, as well as damage to the relationship that can lead to a breakup or divorce. The person may also be violent.
Next we will describe the most common consequences caused by unhealthy jealousy:
Relationship wear
As previously reported, unhealthy jealousy distorts reality, the person feels that their partner is unfaithful, so they resort to methods such as spying on their partner or checking their phone.
This increases the need to know where the partner is and with whom, pressing them to regularly confirm their love, fidelity and even their location, since there is no trust, this being one of the pillars of relationships.
In the absence of trust, the other person feels that instead of enjoying a peaceful life as a couple, they live in constant stress, due to having to prove on multiple occasions that their actions are not linked to infidelity.
Physical and psychological abuse
The victim of physical or psychological abuse can be either the person who is sick with jealousy or the one who is being accused of infidelity. For example, in a fit of jealousy you can defame or insult her partner, making her feel less than.
On the other hand, the person can try to defend themselves against the false facts for which they are accused with equally hurtful words, forming a spiral of abuse and psychological damage, perpetuating and exacerbating the disorder in the person.
Such arguments can trigger fights that end in physical altercations, since unhealthy jealousy acts as a trigger to commit violent acts. These attacks are often brought before the law and are even punishable by jail.
Loss of self esteem
Low self-esteem is linked to jealousy, since they think they are not attractive or interesting enough, so they fear that their partner may be attracted to someone else.
Many times, low self-esteem is reflected in unhealthy jealousy, by not trusting their own qualities, the illusion is created that their partner is constantly looking for other attributes, which the person believes that they are not capable of fulfilling.
They may perceive friends, co-workers or even simple strangers as possible threats to their relationship, they seek to control everything and always be with their partner so that they cannot interact with someone else, because they fear being replaced.
Loss of freedom and independence
The sickly jealous usually want to control the lives of their partners, know everything about the people around them, invading their privacy and reaching a point where they go out less and less without their partner.
Due to the constant doubts about her partner’s fidelity, through emotional blackmail she tries to choose the clothes she wears, the places she visits and, if possible, the people she hangs out with.
They usually do passive-aggressive acts where they surprise places just to confirm that their partner told them the truth, this leads to the person feeling that they have lost their freedom and independence, since their life is controlled by their partner.
Depression
The risk of depression appears not only in the partner being abused, but also in the perpetrator. Depending on the severity of the psychiatric disorder, the person’s risk of depression becomes much higher.
As we have mentioned, affective disorders are common comorbidities in patients with pathological jealousy. The feeling of anxiety and depression are among the most frequent psychiatric manifestations.
In this sense, a study published in 1985 found that more than half of the patients with pathological jealousy suffered from depression. It is difficult to discern, in most cases, whether the depression is primary or secondary.
In addition, in two other other studies, they have found that the abuse of harmful substances, such as drugs or alcohol, is present in up to 34% of patients. These unhealthy habits predispose to a higher risk of depression.
Relationship breakdown
Unhealthy jealousy is an important cause of divorces, where the spouse wants to control everything, even going as far as bullying, since they resort to intimidating their partner psychologically, or sometimes physically.
The couple is accused of being unfaithful in multiple situations and occasions, despite proving otherwise, leading them to get tired and end the relationship, as it prevents them from growing both professionally and personally.
Ending the relationship is usually the only way out that some couples find, because they cannot deal with unhealthy jealousy, the relationship is irreparably fractured.
How to overcome unhealthy jealousy?
Unhealthy jealousy triggers a series of events that cause damage to the mental and physical health of both parties in the relationship, hence the importance of learning to overcome unhealthy jealousy, thus helping to save your relationship or marriage.
accept the problem
Not all those who suffer from these disorders believe that their accusations towards their partner are absolutely true. Those who do suffer from ego syntonic thoughts, while those who do not are called ego dystonic.
What does it mean? Patients aware that their intrusive thoughts are irrational and, despite not wanting to do so, are trapped in a state of obsession.
Accepting that you have a problem, giving it a name and shape, is the first step in the treatment of many psychiatric disorders, not limited to just this one.
Identify and modify negative thoughts
Once the problem has been identified, the next step is to identify the thoughts plaguing the jealous person’s mind. In certain cases, these are intrusive thoughts, that is, they do not come of their own free will.
If you find that these intrusive thoughts occur more frequently when you are alone or when watching your partner talk to another person, try to tell yourself that these thoughts are just that and do not represent reality.
Avoid wanting to control everything
Remember that your partner is a person with rights to autonomy; seeking to limit this would be breaking the basic foundations on which respect in a relationship is based.
This control will only cause sadness, frustration and even anger in your partner, gradually destroying the affective ties that keep you together. Confidence in your partner and in the decisions they make is of the utmost importance.
Keep your mind busy
As we have already mentioned, it is impossible to stop an intrusive thought. During the first months of therapy, the thoughts will recur very frequently. Now, it’s up to you not to act on them.
This is where the importance of correctly identifying the appearance of these negative thoughts comes in. If they appear in moments of leisure or stress, occupy your mind with other activities, to divert the focus of attention from your consciousness.
Carry out independent activities
You can adopt new hobbies or interests to occupy your mind, practice meditation exercises , such as yoga or breathing exercises , to seek to focus your mind on a single goal and not allow it to be haunted by these thoughts.
Also, you can choose to socialize more with other people, such as your friends, for example. Interacting with them will keep your mind occupied and keep it detached from that obsession about your partner and what he does at every moment.
Exercise is always an excellent option. Not only does it provide excellent benefits for your health (skin, cardiovascular, reduces oxidative stress, anti-inflammatory…), but also reduces the risk of depression and / or anxiety.
Trust your partner
There are multiple pillars that sustain a duration. Each one plays an indispensable role, but one of the most important is trust. Without it, the relationship falls apart.
Trust is about believing your partner and their words, even if you have no evidence to back it up. It is one of the purest forms of love, to be able to accept your partner’s words and know, deep down inside, that they are true.
If your partner truly loves you and has not given you (legitimate) reasons to suspect infidelity, then there is nothing to doubt. Also, trusting your partner will make them more likely to open up to you.
Value yourself and let go of insecurities
It has been found that, on many occasions, jealousy is the result of personal insecurity that is projected into the individual’s actions and thoughts, generating mistrust.
Let’s remember that extremist jealousy is generally accompanied by other disorders, such as feelings of inadequacy or a negative self-concept of themselves.
In this sense, this negative perspective can make you think that your partner seeks to satisfy their expectations and desires in another person, but remember that these feelings are not true. They are products of the mental trap that is insecurity.
Building a more positive self-concept of yourself (which in turn will be accompanied by an increase in our self-esteem) will make it easier for you to believe in yourself and, in turn, believe in your partner.
Go to therapy if necessary
If you find that your thoughts have become more frequent, are taking up more of your life, and are even negatively impacting your interpersonal relationships in general, consider seeking professional help.
University Professional in the area of Human Resources, Postgraduate in Occupational Health and Hygiene of the Work Environment, 14 years of experience in the area of health. Interested in topics of Psychology, Occupational Health, and General Medicine.