Toxic love: what is it and how to identify it?

Love is indescribable. It is an experience that is lived and enjoyed on a personal level. Where two people experience deep, inexplicable sensations and fill a void in each. It is perhaps one of the greatest and most important human feelings that exist in our nature.

Despite this, not everything is perfect or colorful. Love also leads to tragedies and unsatisfying experiences. Factors such as jealousy, possessions and misunderstanding are what destroy the principle and basis of a loving relationship.

In this article, you will read about what toxic love really is, just as you identify it and to conclude, how to overcome it.

What is toxic love?

Toxic love is the opposite of the complex feeling of loving, it is the same attraction to a person, but producing negative effects over time, alterations and serious disorders both psychologically and physically. Becoming harmful to the couple who suffers it.

According to a study by theComillas Pontifical University of Madrid (2018) cites “in some cases toxic relationships are considered as a previous step of gender violence”, this is due to the poor communication and understanding within the couple, leaving other important values in oblivion.

Characteristics of toxic love

Toxic love is identifiable by numerous factors, some that are noticed at first sight, others that are discovered with the passage of time without accuracy. Then you will read which are the most relevant and important to know.

Emotional dependence is often the basis

Toxic love has this well-known characteristic, it is an emotional state that occurs in the love life of the couple, leading it to a decline slowly.

For what reason? Emotional dependence does not mean “love” not even close, it is based rather on a series of negative actions and addictive behaviors. Whether it is due to fear of loneliness or a rather negative state of mind, in this sense it is the basis of any toxic relationship.

Subordination is present in the couple

This affects the lives of many couples, where this characteristic rules as the phase of the relationship of a dependent person.

In this sense, a person surrenders subordinately to his dominant partner, negatively affecting the personality of the individual, since he assumes the thoughts and interests of the partner as his own. This ends up dissolving his identity throughout his life.

There is no trust or respect

According to an article from the University of Catalonia , “four out of ten girls between the ages of sixteen and twenty-four have suffered controlled violence from an ex-partner and one out of five from their current partner”.

As many important values are suppressed, humiliation, threats and often physical or psychological abuse are triggered. Affecting the life of those who suffer them.

Loss of autonomy and freedom

In toxic love this is very recognizable and many take it as a crucial factor; Possession and the fear of losing a partner cause the affected person to be wrapped in a bubble, where she does not think for her own heart and where there is no freedom to decide, think or give her opinion.

In this sense, he becomes a submissive and strictly obedient person to his manipulative partner. This is not considered love, but rather a way of controlling a person, often under threats that lead to gender violence and arguments.

Manipulation and control are often present

Here we are talking about quite serious psychological abuse and it is the most common in toxic love. The way in which a person emotionally blackmails her partner, only acting in her interests, in a rather selfish way.

This generates a feeling of guilt and also, as a consequence, a low self-esteem for those who are affected. The manipulator can use multiple excuses in order to intimidate the partner, leaving aside the affection, respect and, of course, the self-esteem of his partner.

The discussions and reproaches are constant

Within toxic love there is no rational person , much less realistic to their environment.

Arguments can occur due to the negative results that the relationship is giving or at moments that annoy the controlling person (especially in cases of jealousy ).

Yes, in a common relationship there are also discussions, but they are not the same, since the values of respect, understanding and the ability to forgive are present, so that love can flourish.

In a toxic relationship, the discussions are cruel, where each one reproaches each other through insults that are far from reality and where things are said exactly, not coherently. “When someone screams, he loses his reason.”

Infidelities often occur

The domino effect of toxic love leads to a crucial factor, which can be seen on either side of the relationship, infidelity .

Either because the affected person feels something for someone else, even without deciding to end the current relationship (out of fear or guilt), or the dominant person decides to have more than one partner without feeling close affection for either of the two people.

Physical and verbal abuse are present

Toxic love can lead to very violent forms, from physical abuse, see; domestic violence (where brute force is used) and which can even end with death, and verbal abuse; insults, inappropriate words and fallacies that make the most affected individual end up believing them.

In this sense, in an article by the clinical psychologist Santiago Bonomi, it is stated that “Although the abuse can be towards both men and women, the latter are the most frequent to suffer domestic violence.”

trying to change the other

Toxic love also works because of how a person wants to control their partner, how they want them to act, how they should think, to the point of making them submissive or obedient.

The control can be seen physically; where sexual cases are included, as well as psychologically. This control does not take into account the feelings of others, nor the honor of the couple. This destroys the freedom of the affected person and suppresses her self-esteem with the passing of time.

There is no negotiation or agreement

What the dominant desires is what the partner must obey. There is no middle ground and there are no times to try something new or necessary to remedy the situation. Basically it is denying toxic love, avoiding the problem and the very reality.

You always try to blame the other

If in toxic love there are no agreements and it is assumed that there is no problem for the couple, usually they seek to blame the most innocent person in the relationship, the most affected person who watches over a change together.

This receives most of the weight of guilt (invented by the dominant), and that leads to a deep depression where the person ends up believing the lie, affecting their self-esteem.

Expectations and illusions are unreal

Toxic love is a fantasy, where the couple believes to be perfect and enviable in the hearts of any other, far from reality.

They believe that there is eternal happiness when there is loneliness, they have expectations of staying together forever, like a kind of misinterpreted fairy tale.

This also has serious consequences, such as frustrationand spite when those expectations never come to pass or present obstacles along the way. But when push comes to shove, it’s just a living fantasy.

The fear of loneliness is present

The reason why a toxic relationship does not end or therefore it is difficult to bring it to an end, is that one of the two parties has a phobia, the intense fear of being alone. As if she depended on someone, who although it hurts her deep down, supposedly makes her “happy” and “complete”.

Personal insecurities predominate

The most affected person in the relationship ends up criticizing himself and reserving many words, opinions or feelings. Due to insecurity and a fear of disappointing or, in greater cases, angering your dominant partner. Shutting her down socially and sinking personally.

How to overcome a toxic love?

Toxic love is a sensitive and personal issue, just as issues like drug abuse can be. However, they share another similarity, they can only be resolved by those who suffer from this problem, following a series of strict and necessary steps to be able to live in peace and enjoy the days.

Below, we share a series of recommendations that could help you overcome a toxic love.

Be aware of the problem and assume it

Don’t avoid the problem, don’t dress it up, and don’t deny that the relationship isn’t working. The only step to solving a problem is to admit that you have one.

This is part of the general growth of a person and helps you to mature more, in other situations. This step is perhaps easy for some, but it is really important.

Have willingness to change

This is a process of analyzing, reflecting and deciding how willing you are to face a change, what not only your heart but your mind desires. Something different that generates tranquility and peace. When a person does not trust her decisions, nor in herself, she is not prepared to have a life.

Express feelings and emotions

Years ago Cartoon Network ran a campaign against bullying, with a slogan that many remember as “Don’t be silent”, a phrase that is very widespread to this day.

If you recognized that you are in a toxic relationship, that you have a problem and that you want to face it, then you must express yourself not only with actions, but with words. Not only with the partner that affects you (to whom you must show yourself as a firm person), but also with anyone who wants to help you or who knows the situation you are going through.

are you sad Say it, don’t you love your partner because it makes you feel bad? Say it, do you want to be happy without that person? Decide it. But always honestly in front of and before you. If you lie to yourself, you lie to everyone.

Learn to let go

If you let go of a toxic love, which hurt your life and never showed importance to you, or you are forced (and you shouldn’t) to keep looking for it, or ask yourself “What would have been if?”, you must let go of the person and focus in something more important: writing your own future.

Keep your distance from a toxic partner

It’s great when two people who were a couple can end up being great friends, even if they’re not together, it’s normal and it’s a way to grow up. But always for the respect that there was.

If you had a toxic love, a couple that left you more scars than memories, they shouldn’t even keep talking for a long time, if they continue like this, the vicious circle may continue and a harmful relationship may never end.

This does not mean that in the future, that person could not change, since it would be great if it happened for their own growth.

Get rid of guilt and negative thoughts

You can be free and gradually recover physically, but human beings have a daily war with their thoughts.

Many people who come out of toxic relationships carry with them the feeling of guilt and bitter memories, they must be suppressed and blocked by generating new memories.

Lean on family and friends

Try to spend time with the most trustworthy people, those who accompanied you during your bad moments, especially the family, who is the last one unable to abandon you.

It is common for people to move away from their loved ones and affections in toxic love, but once they decide to end this situation, it is important to resume family and brotherly relationships with those who will always be there for you, even when you think it is not. .

Occupy your mind and time in productive activities

Keeping your mind and thoughts busy will always be an excellent tool to overcome a toxic love relationship.

In this sense, doing exercises, entrepreneurship projects and work, constitute one of the ideal things that help heal your mind and prioritize a better near future for you.

Prioritize physical health

Like the above, taking care of physical health is also necessary to be able to get ahead and overcome a toxic love.

It often happens that when we are in a harmful relationship our state of health is also affected and we end up with conditions that can sometimes even be serious. That’s why health should never be neglected, even when we think we’re fine.

In this sense, it is always advisable to eat healthy and acquire healthy habits in general. And if you find yourself overcoming a toxic love, focus on being a better person than you were, beauty and attractiveness is not only physical but also mental, both go hand in hand, if you take care of one, you will take care of the other.

Take time to heal

Don’t put pressure on yourself, but don’t put effort either, always keep a balance, because the results come sooner or later, but they will come for your best life.

Therefore, let time pass and work its magic on you, for a reason they say that time is the best medicine to forget sorrows and especially toxic love.

Seek professional help if necessary

A professional who guides and directs you is always a good option, a trusted psychologist is ideal for your healing path.

Someone with whom you can also express your concerns and who, in turn, can give you a guide on what you should apply in your next life. In the end, everything will depend on your decisions.