Chances are, you’ve heard at some point in our lives that a friend, family member, or acquaintance was cheated or cheated on by their partner.
Infidelities are not uncommon phenomena and occur even in the most unexpected relationships. However, why does one person deceive the other? What drives you to it?
In this article, we explain some basic concepts, hypotheses and even opinions of psychologists about the nature of infidelity and why it occurs.
What is infidelity?
The Royal Spanish Academy defines infidelity as “lack of fidelity”. This refers to the breakdown of the contract, implicit or explicit, about the sexual or emotional exclusivity of one person towards another.
However, strictly speaking from the semantic point of view, the word infidelity can refer to the absence of loyalty to an ideology, religion, morality or any idiosyncrasy to which a person should adhere.
The expectations and exclusivity expected of the other person are the main determinants to categorize whether an extramarital act can be considered infidelity or not.
For example, in monogamous relationships, any sexual or emotional act with another person outside of marriage is considered infidelity. On the other hand, in polygamous or open relationships, this is not necessarily true.
Infidelity statistics vary depending on the age group and the year the surveys were conducted. In this sense, astudyconducted in 1992, indicated that more than 2.2% of married participants admitted to having had extramarital affairs.
Causes of infidelity
The causes of infidelity are many and, generally, the true underlying cause is sometimes more complex than it appears on the surface, where many factors can be attributed that have led to the act of infidelity.
Here are some of the most common examples.
Dissatisfaction with the relationship
Perceived dissatisfaction in a relationship tends to be the most cited cause in surveys and studies. Feeling discontent in a relationship can be caused, in turn, by many causes.
Lack of communication is an important factor to take into account. Feeling that your partner does not meet the expectations you had of the person and not expressing these desires can generate dissatisfaction, frustration and even resentment towards the other person.
Dissatisfaction can also occur if we are not treated with the respect we seek in a relationship, it makes the person feel that the affection is unidirectional and that only one of the two makes an effort to change and improve the relationship.
Lack of commitment to the couple
Relationships carry an implicit or explicit social contract. For many, a relationship is a person’s commitment to be with only one person for the rest of the relationship, and not seek emotional or sexual pleasure from a third party.
A relationship implies a commitment to build emotional and physical ties that are reinforced with each action that demonstrates this commitment. Those people who are not willing to do so are more likely to commit infidelity.
Lack of love and attention
Understanding, empathy and respect are some of the pillars on which love is based. In a relationship, people seek to feel loved and accepted as they are, where they can expose their vulnerabilities and insecurities to the other, and not be judged.
The absence of these emotional factors (such as empathy and respect), the emotional incompatibility between the two people, can lead to infidelity, where the person seeks to satisfy these desires.
Personal Insecurities
Insecurities are anchors that chain us to thoughts and their origin. They drag us into dark places in our minds and negatively impact interpersonal relationships, whether they are family, romantic, or work.
Therefore, the person may be tempted to look for validation in other people, unable to feel security and confidence in their current relationship.
Emotional imbalance
Being able to accept and maintain a social commitment, such as a relationship, requires maturity, acceptance and emotional stability.
Severe emotional or psychological disturbances can hinder a person’s ability to make logical decisions.
Boredom of monotony
During a new relationship, a myriad of sensations tend to be experienced during the first kiss, the first date, the first sexual act, and many other events in a relationship.
At first, the relationship is a novelty. The other person is a source of mystery that you want to explore and learn about. However, for certain couples, these emotions fade over time, and the novelty is integrated into the daily routine.
Some seek new relationships to stoke those lost emotions. Others don’t do it for the novelty of a new sexual partner, but for themselves. By running from their relationship, they are running from what they fear they have become over the years.
Therefore, they seek to build a new facet in their lives, different from the one they have built with their official partner. They seek to stir up emotions and passions that were believed to be lost within themselves, they seek to explore again.
Unmet expectations
Within every relationship, there are desires and expectations. When a person finds himself unable to fulfill them or one of the two members of a relationship does not adequately convey his desire, disappointments occur.
The lack of communication in a relationship is a frequent cause of these disappointments and uncertainties within a relationship. On the other hand, it can also happen that one of the two downplays the feelings, expectations or desires of the other.
Revenge
Emotions of anger, hate and resentment can be triggers for infidelity. In an unsatisfactory relationship, the person is prone to commit infidelity, but not to indulge their own emotional or sexual desires.
On the contrary, revenge infidelity is done with the purpose of hurting the other. This can happen if the person being cheated on has committed infidelity before.
The other person, deceived and unable to overcome the emotional trauma caused by the betrayal, seeks to cause the same emotional and psychological damage to the other person, regardless of the consequences it may entail.
types of infidelity
Infidelity is not necessarily restricted to committing a sexual act with a third party, outside of the relationship. It can manifest itself in multiple ways and reactions to these can vary. Next, we show you some forms of infidelity.
Planned
According to relationship counselor Rachel Perstein , planned infidelity typically occurs when the people involved form an emotional bond that goes beyond physical or sexual needs.
Therefore, infidelities of this nature tend to demonstrate meticulous and detailed planning, where each movement of the person who is being deceived is recorded and taken into account to avoid discovering the infidelity.
This kind of infidelity also avoids inconsistencies and mistakes, justifications and excuses are made in advance, they take care of their behavior and keep up appearances, because they care emotionally about the person they are cheating with.
Sudden
On the other hand, infidelities that take place only because of a physical and superficial attraction to the other person are not planned. They are spontaneous meetings where, unlike the previous one, there is no planning in advance.
It can occur if the person feels that their sexual expectations and/or desires are not being met in their current relationship, or there is simply no commitment from the person to maintain sexual exclusivity within the relationship.
Sexual
Sexual encounters in an infidelity are common. They can occur from a simple physical attraction between two people without an emotional attraction, as they can also occur when both parties build an emotional bond.
Evolutionary psychologists, such as David Buss and Larsen RJ , conducted studies where they observed the verbal and physiological responses (such as the electrical activity of the heart) of many men and women in the face of a hypothetical infidelity.
They observed that men respond with greater dislike and rejection to the possibility of sexual infidelity than to emotional infidelity. In 2003,Christine Harris , a psychologist at the University of San Diego, proposed the JSIM hypothesis .
Called thus by its acronym in English, jealousy as a specific innate module hypothesis, proposes that this displeasure makes sense from the evolutionary point of view, since the sexual insecurity of women reduces the aptitude or biological adequacy of men.
That is to say, the number of possible descendants, typical of the person, is reduced by being threatened with the possibility of other possible rivals that compete for the same couple.
not sexual
As times progress, so did the concept of infidelity since it is categorized as infidelity. Infidelity today is not just the sexual act with a third party, but it can involve much more.
Denying your partner time while favoring time with another person, constantly complaining and speaking ill of your partner to third parties, and flirting with other people are some examples of non-sexual infidelity.
virtual
Infidelities do not need to be face to face for them to happen. In today’s digital age, they can present themselves virtually. Chatting with acquaintances or strangers in a sexual environment can be considered a form of infidelity, especially if it is done behind the partner’s back.
emotional
Emotional infidelities lie at the opposite extreme from infidelities based merely on physical attraction and lust for another person. In these cases, the person seeks emotional compatibility in others, outside of their relationship.
In these cases, infidelity can occur because, like infidelity due to dissatisfaction in the relationship, it leads the person to satisfy that desire to feel complete and fulfilled, from an emotional point of view.
Citing previous studies again , women responded more negatively to emotional infidelities than physical ones, the opposite reaction to that of men in the study.
However, the JSIM hypothesis suggests that women’s aversion towards emotional infidelity is because it represents, from an evolutionary point of view, a threat to the financial stability and resources that men provide.
For pleasure
However, not all infidelity is based on those who feel ignored or belittled by their partners and seek comfort in the arms of third parties. They can occur by people who are looking for passion and the danger that comes with it.
Despite being in stable positions with happy couples and a full life, they look for extramarital adventures that seek to satisfy within them that desire to seek and satisfy that desire to seek multiple love affairs or physical relationships with others.
by addiction
Infidelity due to sexual addiction can be caused by hypersexuality disorder, in which the person is addicted to sex and acts as a trigger for infidelity, since they did not satisfy their sexual needs only with their partner.
They tend to look for multiple partners to satisfy their desires and fantasies in the sexual sphere, since they cannot control their sexual impulses. This results in the breakdown of the relationship, or sexually transmitted diseases.
How to overcome an infidelity?
People who go through an infidelity during marriage or relationship, may be psychologically affected, present anxiety or depression problems.
Therefore, it seeks to provide certain tools that facilitate the process of overcoming infidelity.
accept what happened
Accepting is acknowledging that there are situations in which nothing can be done to change the fact, but accepting the new reality without excuses. When going through an unpleasant situation, you learn from it and tolerance is strengthened.
At first it can hurt and even be uncomfortable, but facing the situation and accepting infidelity is one of the first steps to fully enter into overcoming.
vent emotions
Keeping emotions in the face of the partner’s infidelity only increases the tension between the two. It is also harmful to mental health, acting like a time bomb by accumulating all the anger, disappointment or anger due to infidelity.
Everyone has different ways of venting their emotions, whether it’s speaking, writing, or artistically. The means are varied but the end is the same, to free oneself from feelings in order to think clearly.
Listening to yourself, keeping moving through physical activity, whether it’s just walking or even crying, are effective ways to free your mind, to feel free without any burden.
Give yourself some personal time
Giving yourself some time is important, since it allows you to assimilate the facts calmly, in these cases being apart is convenient, so both reflect and can decide whether or not they can get back together.
There is no set time limit, so you should not accept external pressure to rush to a decision.
Forgive Sincerely
“There is only forgiveness where there was something unforgivable” ( Derrida , 1999, p.4).
Forgiveness is an act of liberation before offenses or injustices, which is granted selflessly and without conditions, since the act of forgiving is to feel better about yourself and not about someone else.
The betrayal of a partner is an emotional blow. When forgiving, one goes through a duel, since a loss is experienced when the emotions linked to the old relationship and the new reality due to infidelity are detached.
Forgiving sincerely is not forgetting or justifying infidelity, nor is it a weakness, it is freeing oneself from feelings of hatred, revenge and resentment. In addition, victimization is renounced, since that is what the forgiveness of giving up to feel free is all about.
The forgiveness of infidelity does not mean that they will return to the relationship, however, the benefits of forgiveness are evident in our psychological well-being allowing us a reconciliation with ourselves and with the person who fouled us.
Go to couples therapy
There are many events that can influence a couple to make the decision to go to therapy, but about 50% is because of problems related toinfidelity, these may have happened in the past or recently.
The professional help of a psychologist can help people better express their feelings, thus improving communication between the couple and, therefore, can identify problems and their possible solutions.
Under a methodology designed in a personalized way, the aim is to achieve empathy between the couple, to find reconciliation, neutral point or the dissolution of the relationship in the most peaceful way possible.
Many of the couples who go to therapy manage to recover or save their relationship, it is a beneficial experience, in addition, it provides tools to improve the couple’s dynamics and helps to strengthen the relationship.
University Professional in the area of Human Resources, Postgraduate in Occupational Health and Hygiene of the Work Environment, 14 years of experience in the area of health. Interested in topics of Psychology, Occupational Health, and General Medicine.